"Motherless Daughters" revisited

"Motherless Daughters" published in 2004. The title alone seized my heart and tugged me through the wringer.  I cried more at seeing this, than I did during initial mourning. Over two decades have passed since I read this book, and I recall only the title. The impact remains. While it slammed me with the reminder of the void left at losing my Mother, it reminded me I'm not alone in my responses.  At some point, nearly every daughter will be without her Mother while we still walk the earth.  For Mothers who have, or will, lose a daughter, the injustice is exponentially greater. Dealing, in either case, is as individual as the stars are plentiful. The process of release applies to sons and Fathers with parallels - but not exactly the same.

In my early career, although Mom was not a woman of routine, she would call daily at my office around 3pm.  My shoulders would rise and breathing go shallow with anticipation of being disrupted from my oh so important job.  And then the day came, the end, where I would give my soul to have her call again, and this time I would be present and engaged. It took years to stop looking up at the clock as 3pm approached, and decades before I realized the need to forgive myself for the small and large regrets of our relationship. Why, after death, does her perfection seem so clear?

When the loss is recent, our challenge is to sleep through the night, wake in the morning, create some sense of normalcy in our lives.  With time, our desire grows, to hold on to all she taught us, all we remember.  Memories today are more thoroughly recorded in pictures. Does that make it easier? Or was it better to imagine my Mother's moments as they may have occurred between the infrequent photos?  I hold tightly to her radiant smile in her one photo taken over the kitchen sink - the only place I picture her clearly.  But in my every response to the events of life, I feel her influence powering through, and I am convinced she has never left me.

For the many ladies who were not blessed with an amazing Mom, I recommend rewriting your story. At least the difficult times.  The true Moms in your life are those who encourage you along and support you in whatever direction life takes you. Thank them. It does not require biological matching. If your Mom is so misaligned with you, that avoidance is your dominant relationship, then study your differences. Remember that she is also a daughter created by her Life Lessons, and those of her Mother, and her ancestors. Allow for that and observe.  It is possible you will find a shift in expectations that allows you to breathe more deeply.

Sunday morning - thoughts from the dock. 7-13-2014